I
didn't write any of this but I concur:
1. Avoid carrot sticks.
Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of
the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like
fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer
than single- malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of
year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into
an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3.
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made
with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6.
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of
Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as
you can before becoming the centre of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going
to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin.
Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat,
have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else
do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?
9.
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,
have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel
terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to
live by:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one
hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out
and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
BOOKMARK
THIS: